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by Benoît



When our first night together came, I remember I decided that nothing artificial should enlight it. I lit two candles; As I wanted their light to be the only witness of our love. The air was so hot as I sank in your eyes, bright gems shining wildly in this surreal light. Hours were seconds for us embracing. It was as if I never had physical contact with anyone, you were the field for my love to be expressed. I was experimenting a new world full of golden promises and feelings.

The day we decided to start our story is so vivid in my memory that I could retrace it second by second. We ate at my appartment. You had brought with you some food but ate none, and so did I. Being far too embarassed to do so. Fearing the worse answer, I told you what I felt. After months of despair, I had finally broken this wall of shame. I had told you. We thought that it would be nice to walk a bit to wipe the stress out. I took your hand. We were walking in a small street when you took me under this alcove and kissed me. I saw you turn around in a flash, you were not looking straight at my eyes. A second later, our lips were stuck, I could feel your body shaking through your thin clothes. For a moment, the world around faded, melted in the metallic taste of your mouth. Rain started as we were speeding back. Such a fresh rain.

You were fascinating, absorbing, obsessing me. You could turn from a little girl to a woman in an instant. And change again to become this teenage girl, burning under my kisses, giving them back ten times stronger. Your breath was then like if you were about to collapse. I would then lay you on the bed, watch your face for a long moment, your eyes closed and that faint smile on your mouth. I never experienced something like this. You learned it to me. You took a beast and shaped a man. The one who thought to be a teacher became the scholar. My being was secretly crying tears of mere joy when you told me that no one had ever made you feel that way, that you felt good with me. The next day you were gone, working as if your life was depending on it. For me, waking up was harder as your fragrance was on my body and soul. It was like being a lion into a cage or having my hands tied in my back.

When I see a garden now, I can not help but cry a silent tear on the time we used to lay on the green grass. We used to love gardens, as most part of our lives took place between asphalt and concrete. One day, you showed me this garden in the very centre of the town. This one was sitting on a hill, looking at the city, facing the sea. It was like we were on another planet, where either noise or pollution could not enter. It became our secret nest, a realm of tranquility and pure love. We would laugh at kids, pointing at us, saying " lovers ", we would laugh at the sun in our eyes, at the birds singing how nice it is to be two. But their song turned cruel, reminding me how lonely I am now.

Once, we went to the sea. Where two hills join to create a secret space, we were alone under the trees. The weather was so hot that we could only stay in the shadow to kiss and sleep. When we get the courage, we went swimming. I held you in the water. You were holding me tight with your legs, I kissed your salty body for an eternity, it seems to me now. There was you and this inmense space between the hills. Your face shining wet and those gigantic grey and green hills. I recreated this sea we were in, with all the tears I cried over this moment.

On a summer night, you spoke to me. And through your open-hearted words, I sensed my fate. My tears were running down my quiet face. I knew then that you were going to leave me. Your attitude was only confirming this hideous fear. Since then life lost its colors to become an endless succession of shades of grey. The most horrible wandering I was ever faced with. One month later, you were gone. I became a shadow that sank in alcohol instead of your eyes. I became the ghost of the one who used to love you, a sad doll walking in an empty world that you used to fill. Maiden Wife, I would have shared my soul against a spark of your affection. Yet, none but this deadly fate was to hear my wish. It came still, in its gigantic horror, sealing my love and soul vow forever. I learned that heaven does not exist. And, whatever I tried to reconquer or forget it was useless. You do not wash scars away. I even lost my sanity for a moment, burying myself into what's worse for a man ... his own, personnal, oblivion.

You stay on my mind. The pictures seem so far and my memories so close. Those letters we used to send to each other were always written in the same style. I miss you, but will not tell. Sometimes I wonder if you know you hurted me that much. It does not matter. The only thing left of our love is a piece of cogulated wax ... and my sorrow.


March 1999.
Despair is the main factor
for a man's inpiration to
exist, grow and fade.